Sunday Evening Note

I’ve sent out another email newsletter. This one on hate, which over the past couple of months has been a particular project of mine.

If you signed up and didn’t receive it, let me know and I’ll send you a copy. If you’re not signed up and would like to be, you can sign up here.

Here’s to a lovely – and loving – week!

{ 4 comments… add one }
  • Loree Bischoff April 28, 2014, 1:53 pm

    I read your email newsletter on the subject of “special hate relationships.” I’m so grateful for your writing on this subject as it targeted an issue (person) that I’ve been struggling to understand my growing resentment with over the past year or two. It has reached a point where every time I see a new picture of this person my initial reaction is one of great annoyance and dislike. If I’m to be completely honest and truthful with myself I’d have to admit pangs of hatred have even begun to spring up! That was hard for me to even write. I rarely use the word hate and can’t think of one person that I would apply that word to. And to be clear, I don’t hate this person, we are well acquainted and friendly, but rather I’ve found myself hating something about her. This has been confusing for me and I’ve been searching for the cause of my strange and unusual feelings. This is not cool for a holistic health/life coach! I like this person and truly wish the best for her but geez – something has been really getting under my skin! I know my thoughts and emotions surrounding this are not at all about her, but only about me. I’ve prayed and asked for guidance and insight about what I’m to learn about myself because I know full well this has nothing to do with her. It’s ALL about me. As I’ve continued to self-analyze a few things have revealed themselves to me, but something I was supposed to get was still missing. When I read your newsletter I knew what it was. Every damn time her picture popped up in my face I was looking at myself. Good grief, she even looks like me (oddly, each picture of her looks more like me than the one before). She is also in the same profession. I realize now I’ve been afraid that I was looking at a better version of myself, afraid she was intentionally trying to steal my identity, afraid I have to compete, and afraid I’m not good enough to. It seems so obvious now. I’ve been at war with an external aspect of myself that I’m trying to overcome and rely less on, so I can mine the true gifts of who I am and use those gifts to competently and passionately serve others. That sly, manipulative master we call the ego is playing hardball. The more I strive to serve the only true Master, the more conniving the ego gets as it tries to real me back into it’s superficial game. I don’t need to know or understand what this person is thinking or doing and what her motivations (if any) are. My stupid fears and imaginings that she’s trying to steal my identity are just that – stupid imaginings. I’m realizing the deep extent of my fear that deep down inside I’m still struggling with insecurity and the fear that I don’t know well enough that which I long to teach and excel at. As a very spiritual person, a student of “self-help” for a few decades now, and as I begin my second reading of ACIM, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the concept of being separated and at war with God. I’m willing to keep searching for understanding though, and after reading your story about you and Andrew I think I’ve finally figured out my intense resentment with the woman who’s photos I’ve allowed to torment me. I’m grateful for them and the discomfort they’ve caused me. Renewed self-examination is the result and I can only grow from that. Thank you for sharing your story Sean. It really struck a nerve with me.

    • Sean Reagan April 28, 2014, 3:51 pm

      Hi Loree,

      Those resentments can be so intense and even mystifying.

      I like the way you put it: “The more I strive to serve the only true Master, the more conniving the ego gets as it tries to real me back into it’s superficial game.”

      It really is playing for keeps; it is fighting for its life. I have to remember that sometimes.

      I think self-examination is a good thing, especially when undertaken with real openness and willing to go where it’s scary. There is such relief for in making contact with what doesn’t work – with what is fearful and confused and angry inside of us. It’s like all the effort that went into hiding and denying and projecting can now go into healing.

      I think that business about war with God can be tough language. Not everybody experiences it that way. In a sense, we are at war, but we are also madly in love, so it’s sort of both things at once. In fact, when I remember both things, the war isn’t quite so deadly and the love isn’t quite so scary. It’s when I pretend my love is perfect, or when I pretend that it’s all a big battle, that things go wonky.

      As I am sure you know, there is a real balance with this stuff – finding the language that resonates and empowers us, turning within with discipline and faith, helping others . . .

      It is good to share the way with you! Thank you for your note. I’m glad the post was helpful.

      Sean

  • debbie mcdougall April 30, 2014, 2:40 am

    Hi Sean,

    Thank you so much for this and for your honesty. It coincides with what I am being asked to face right now, so has helped tremendously!

    I gratefully recognise and accept that it means progress is being made with the course as ego struggles for breath, vicious jaws salivating, clawing for survival!

    It is a relief to know we are all doing this together, facing the truth of the illusion. our guilt and our fears, in order to reach the Truth. Sometimes I am impatient with myself, by now (I think) I should know better, but I have to admit I simply don’t or I would be in the perfect state of peace, the ‘Happy Dream’. Right now, more of a nightmare, but it is the internal battle, nothing specific on the outside other than my projections onto others. I can hardly blame them for my own dark thoughts now can I? I used to, but this new acceptance of responsibility for my own thoughts is actually quite liberating! It makes the work that needs to be done much, much more acceptable and less painful.

    But I am learning, as we all are, that it really hurts to face your truth, how nasty we can be without even realising we are doing it (the secret thoughts of hidden hate)

    Thank heavens for a sense of humour! Such a relief to realise we don’t have to get all serious and self-deprecating, we just have to look with HS and all will be revealed, kindness floods back in and peace reigns once more 🙂

    with much Love & Light x

    • Sean Reagan April 30, 2014, 4:40 am

      Thank you, Debbie. I’m glad it was helpful. Yes, it is a drag to have to look at all that ugliness, but we aren’t doing it alone – not at the level of looking where we are joined with the Holy Spirit, our healed mind, and not at the level of the world either, where we are joined with one another. The company is actually very good! So that is something to be grateful for! I appreciate, too, your note about accepting responsibility for our thoughts – it reminds me of that line early in the text about how we are much too tolerant of “mind wandering.” I identify with that so much! I get fascinated by thought, swept up in its currents, taken by its energy . . . it’s like watching the most amazing movie ever and then forgetting it’s a movie and then thinking that I’m actually the star. Crazy! And yet that’s the work I have to do, that is the undoing I have to give attention to. So . . . onward, I guess, hand in hand.

      Love,
      Sean

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