There are times when what is going on in my life in the world overwhelm me and so I don’t post. In part I don’t post because I don’t like venting online (I am aware of the risk of wanting to appear more spiritually sound than I actually am). But also in part, I am sometimes simply at a loss for words (he says at the beginning of a four hundred word post).
One of my goals here is to talk honestly about my experience of studying and teaching A Course in Miracles and, more generally I guess, my experience of being a follower of Jesus.
That has been very difficult lately. I am in a space where the ego is thrashing like a landed trout. The Course suggests – if it doesn’t outright state (I’m not in the mood to go hunting for quotes) – that the closer to Peace we grow, the more resistant the ego becomes. It’s fighting for its life and if necessary will give up any pretense that we’re friends.
I have been alternately sad and angry lately. And confused. The sadness is simply about a goodbye that I am saying. The anger is at the sadness, that I cannot fix the situation that makes the farewell necessary.
And the confusion is this: I understand there is nothing I can do but simply allow these feelings their space, accept the belief system (separate bodies in the world) that underlies them for what it is, and then trust Jesus (or the Holy Spirit, if you prefer more syllables) to take care of the rest.
There are a few things in the world that I want – literally more than I can put into words – to be different than they are. And I want them different yesterday. And I seem to have crossed some sort of ACIM rubicon where I can no longer pretend that a fix in the world is as good as a fix in the mind.
I am practicing doing nothing and – forgive the melodrama – it feels like being crucified.
I am mindful of that part of the text which talks about (I paraphrase) seeing our pain clearly so that we can associate it with the ego and then make another choice (for Jesus). We don’t give up the ego because we’re wise. We give it up because we can’t stand the agony and the anguish any longer.
Well, I am learning about my capacity – which is quite vast, apparently – for suffering.
Anyway, thank you for being here and for reading. I hope you’re well. Me, I’m going to work on turning my frown upside down.