Where I’m At – and Where I’m Going

Last year I reached a point where my experience of A Course in Miracles was almost exclusively academic. I was reading voraciously – and writing, too – but that was it. Any time spent meditating, or talking to God, or consciously practicing forgiveness was largely gone. It was like I was a professor of ACIM, not a practitioner.

This led to a lot of subtle and unhelpful comparing. I began to compare my experience of life and the Course to my idea of Ken Wapnick’s, say. Or Gary Renard’s. or Judith Skutch’s. Or Jon Mundy’s. Or Marianne Williamson’s. It was never about peace – it was about being right. Or at least proving others wrong. Or more wrong than me. It was very intellectual. Have I said that already? It was very intellectual.

I could spend hours talking about the difference between Ken Wapnick’s thoughts on forgiveness (and how those thoughts had evolved) and David Hoffmeister’s. I could talk about the many critiques of Gary Renard by other professional teachers and where they were wrong and where they raised valid points. I could tell you how the urtext differed from the Sparkly edition, and how both of those differed from editions published by the Foundation for Inner Peace. But for what? To be the most knowledgeable ACIM guy on the planet? How would I prove that? What would I gain? And how hard would it be to defend that position? It was crazy.

So I stopped reading. I decided to focus exclusively on my own practice. I would read the Course and do the lessons and write about them. And I did. And it went swimmingly for about two months.

Then it started to feel off. It was hard not to repeat myself. Some lessons I didn’t know what to say so I just . . . said what I could. I got confused. Am I student or a teacher? Why am I doing this? What should I say now?

Suddenly – again – I was having an intellectual experience of A Course in Miracles. I was not having a direct experience. Like reading, writing about the Course was just another way of proving myself, asserting myself. Never underestimate the ego! It’s life is at stake and it can be very subtle indeed. Writing, it turned out, was another mode of intellectualizing the Course which is, for me, the primary way I resist the Course.

And so I have to stop. I don’t know for how long. Maybe a week. Maybe ten years! Nor do I know what will come next. Writing and study are natural to me – they are gifts – but I am deeply confused about how to use them properly. I need help. I’m sure I’ll find it. But my commitment to waking up is such that I have to keep it, no matter what. And if that means giving up this type of public writing, then I’m going to do it.

Please always feel free to reach out to me via email – you can send something via the contact page and I’ll write back. I don’t want to be alone – quite the contrary actually – but I do want to step away from the mental blocks that right now seem to be strengthened by writing and reading. I want peace and joy – more than the glimpse, more than the sip. I know it’s possible.

So I’m off! Be well – be happy – and be devoted! I believe as I have always believed that we are in this together, even if we are not apparently together. Thank you!

{ 2 comments… add one }
  • April March 23, 2012, 3:44 pm

    Hi Sean,

    I understand, I really do. Each of our paths and journey to dissolve the blocks that keep us from Love’s presence is unique. Holding on or letting go are part of that practice. That being said, I want you to know how much I’ve enjoyed your words. I decided to subscribe to your blog because you had an intellectual understanding of the Course, its metaphysics, and abstractions that enriched my own. I’ve mostly practiced the Course as meat and potatoes . . .nothing fancy just do the lessons and trust that the text is getting in somewhere when I come across those parts that seems to just go over my head. You’ve been instrumental in sharing your thoughts and bringing a clarity to some of the ideas I have found challenging. I couldn’t put my thoughts in words because I’m not a word smith like you and that has been one of your gifts to me. I am glad that you can abandon the role of ‘Course professor’ and devote your time as a practitioner once again. God’s speed on your journey.

    In Love’s Oneness,

    April

    • Sean March 24, 2012, 4:23 am

      Thank you, April. I am always grateful for you and your practice. In truth, I suspect I’ll be writing here again soon. It is very hard for me to not write! But I need to find some balance or something – I’m not exactly sure what really. At a minimum, this writing about the lesson every day – and trying to write about the text section by section – does not feel helpful. But maybe I just need a break. We’ll see. I do think of us as companions on this path and that can’t – won’t – change!

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