I like this story.
Abba Lot went to see Abba Joseph.
He said, “Abba Joseph,
as far as I can say,
I do my little office,
and I read my psalms.
I fast a little and pray
and meditate.
I live in peace with others and,
as far as possible,
I purify my thoughts.
Tell me, Father, what else –
what more – can I do?”
And the old man, Abba Joseph,
stood up and stretched his hands
toward heaven, and his fingers
became like ten lamps of fire.
He said to Abba Lot, “my child,
if you will,
you can become all flame.”
Of course I like this story. I’ve projected myself onto Abba Joseph. Not only do people come to me for my wisdom, they can also read the Psalms in the light given off by my fingers. I am the one.
But even Abba Lot is an empathetic character. In a pinch, I can project myself there as well. A good brother doing everything he can to reach the Lord, studying and practicing with faith and diligence, ever seeking how to do better. What a good student! What a devout monk! He doesn’t have magic fingers . . . but he could. Everybody has to start somewhere.
The projection is hard to sustain, though.
Abba Joseph is a fourth century desert father. He gave up all the comforts of the world so he could pray in more sustained and intense ways. Imagine living in 4th century Egypt and deciding it was too comfortable and full of distractions for a meaningful prayer life.
On the other hand, imagine living in 2024 and thinking you yourself are only a couple of Our Fathers away from being a living flame. What would Abba Joseph say? For that matter, what would Abba Lot say?
Whatever they would say, it would come out of their rigid commitment to austerity. They were ascetics. Always fasting, never sleeping, drinking fetid water . . . To me, that kind of self-imposed suffering – they literally endangered their health and welfare – seems brutally dysfunctional.
And yet, I like that story, and other people like it, too, because it gets passed around a lot. And the thing in that story that matters is the fire. The fire is why we pass it around. So we have to understand the fire. Let’s begin by considering the relationship between human beings and fire, which begins –
– or maybe not?
I remember not feeling at home in the Vermont Zen Center many years ago, and the reason was, it didn’t matter how much you read or how thoughtfully you could speak abou Buddhism. Only zazen mattered and that was a thing you did, not a thing you talked about.
But if I say that the fire is a metaphor, and if I also say that what it points to cannot be known in words but only in a practice – and if I accept that for Abba Joseph that practice was asceticism and reading the Psalms but not discoursing on the psalms . . .
Where does that leave me?
There is another story about Abba Joseph.
Abba Poemen went to Abba Joseph
and asked the venerable old man –
how does one become a monk?
Abba Joseph answered, “my brother –
if you want to find rest
here and hereafter
then in all circumstances say “who am I?”
and do not judge anyone.
Oh. Oh.
I crave the fire. I love writing how Advent is a journey through darkness into light. For days the words of Abba Joseph have lived in my mind, bringing me back to something. Last night, on my knees in the snow, stars hidden by storm clouds, God said gently, “Sean, ‘will,’ not ‘fire’ is the word you are being invited to study.”
I rose then and went about evening chores, wondering what, if anything, I could say to you, or you to me, at this stage of our travels that would help.
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My questions begin…what is will, where does it live, what does it feel like, where does it come from? Of course, God. But…how does it manifest in our wrong mind, in our right mind, in our body, actions, and dream world that we see?
My initial (distorted) thought is that is it like wresting with a thing that has eleven tails, but this is because we have to fight. I know that it is much simpler than this…
I am merely reacting to your words, but the stimulus is always truth drawing us to itself. Despite these words of mine, I agree with your words…what could anyone say that would help?
Thank you.🌸
Those are the questions. How many lifetimes will it takes us to answer them?!?
Sometimes in the study part of practicing I have to come at things slant (thank you sister Emily). If I try to directly answer a question I somehow get turned away from the truth, or the most helpful frame of the truth. “Success in Circuit lies.”
(and that poem of hers, interestingly, relies heavily on light)
So one thing my thinking does is ask: why does the fire distract me? Is it there TO distract me? From what does it distract me? The distraction isn’t solo but collaborative – lots of folks have worked hard over the years to frame that story, tell and retell that story. What is happening in us that it should matter so? And matter the way it matters?
Another slant question: what do I not understand about austerity or ascetism? What am I afraid of learning or seeing?
That feels helpful, asking that question.
I know – I know all too well – that below those questions is fear, and the fear arises from confusion about what I am, and the confusion about what I am is a defense against Love but . . .
. . . making it all abstract like that sometimes feels like the difference between playing with dolls and actually raising children. Like it’s too direct, too insufficiently slant. Maybe I don’t need bright lines and clear answers but the community of circuit-minded brothers and sisters?
Carolyn Sawicki makes an interesting observation about being a post-crucifixion follower of Jesus (which she argues means being both informed and sustained by women and woman-centered thinking): one really has to face their FEAR OF HUNGER.
Each time I write that – or read it – I feel a deep panic and turn instantly away to other questions.
But I wonder about that. How can we be hungry? How shall we be fed?
What do women understand about that men may not? What do YOU know, Kimberley, that I am still fumbling with?
Sean, I feel the love in your offering. That’s the help my heart needed this morning. Thank you.
You’re welcome, Claudia. Thank you for being here and letting me think aloud – I’m very grateful 🙂
~ Sean
As I read this blog I was somewhat confused, the mind kept saying “what, where is this going?” . Then the words “in all circumstances say ‘who am I?’
and do not judge anyone” hit me hard like a zen stick coming down on the collar bone ( I used to be a zen student). My journey through darkness to light are those words . Austerity for me is NOT judging, NOT thinking I know, NOT wanting things to be different. Who am I beyond the judging? Do I have the “will” to Be, to be right here now in the JOY of experiencing no matter what is happening? 🙏 Your refections are a blessing Sean.
Oh Glenda this is such a helpful comment . . . thank you . . . please see my comment to Kimberley (which awkwardly tries to figure out what the problem with austerity is) . . . I am so so grateful for YOUR reflections, Glenda. Thank you ❤️
~ Sean
Oh, Sean…this: if you want to find rest here and hereafter then in all circumstances say “who am I?” and do not judge anyone. Thank you, thank you. Just what I needed this morning.
I’m glad it was helpful, Susan. Thanks for being here 🙏🙏
~ Sean
I’ve been using will as I am willing. It really opens me in a non resistant way to the possibilities of what I fear. I am willing as a way of non resistance.
A strong will instead of a strong won’t ( I read that somewhere)
I haven’t been feeling Advent as a way of darkness but a way of fire, but I associate fire with purification … a fierce love that burns everything up unlike itself into itself … to be the manger
Thank you Amanda. Willingness as a way of non-resistance is a very helpful frame.
Can I ask: where do you land with respect to choice and free will?
I’m finding my way with the light and fire imagery/symbolism this time around – it’s not a familiar entry point for me with respect to Jesus.
Thank you for reading and sharing –
Sean
It seems that appearance, in whatever form it takes I have no control, it is given … and it seems like all I am free to do is question my response to the given.
I want love, kindness, compassion as my response and if it’s not my response, then Im free to question why I’m withholding that from myself ( and others)
And having said that, there’s a viewpoint I’m not fluent in .
Thank you for asking Sean, it was really helpful 🙏🏼
Please feel free to ignore these questions, Amanda. I know that online dialogues around this kind of thing are often unhelpful.
I am over here thinking about this idea that freedom lies in my capacity for response – am I saying that in a way that makes sense to you?
And I am wondering about what seems like an implied separation (but it could also be a suture, a site of healing that only APPEARS separative) – that there is the given, AND there is also MY GIVING, which is my response TO the given.
I like that because of the implied relationship.
But a lot hinges on “my.”
Thank you Amanda. I don’t mean to inundate you, and I am aware of how tricky these dialogues are in the BEST of circumstances, let alone online.
I’m really grateful for how you see and language this stuff.
~ Sean