Yesterday I wrote about realizing what a tangled web I was weaving with my experience in and of the world. All ego, all the time. This morning I read this:
Whenever you attempt to reach a goal in which the body’s betterment is cast as major beneficiary, you try to bring about your death. For you believe that you can suffer lack, and lack is death.
I tried to think of a goal I have – in my writing, my teaching, my parenting, my marriage, my reading, anything – in which the body is not a “major beneficiary.”
I came up blank.
I also read this.
To change all this, and open up a road of hope and of release in what appeared to be an endless circle of despair, you need but to decide you do not know the purpose of the world. You give it goals it does not have, and thus do you decide what it is for. You try to see in it a place of idols, found outside yourself, with power to make complete what is within by splitting what you are between the two.
For a moment, I wished for a teacher – or better yet, a monastery – to help me understand and bring my understanding into application. Yes – A Course in Miracles monastery where I could go and do nothing but sweep stone stairs and hallways, take direction from a wise gentle elder, and quietly and humbly seek union with my creator.
Then I burst out laughing. It was a nice picture but it was also a crock. If a monastery like that existed, not only would I never in a million years join it, I’d find some way to dismiss and denigrate it. My ego would never consent to being a follower or a servant. It would rather reign in hell than serve in Heaven. It can be vicious in pursuing that goal and it can be sly and seductive. But it never relents. It never surrenders.
I felt as if for the first time I was able to see the ego and its fatal agenda with calm clarity and precision. I understood that peace was impossible so long as I listened to that Luciferian voice. And like yesterday, when I felt at loose ends not knowing how to respond to the crazy circles I realized I was spinning in the world, I wanted to know what to do to fix the wicked ego.
My longing for guidance in that moment was palpable. If I ever wanted ascended masters or Jesus himself to show up in person and lend a hand, it was this morning. I needed it badly. I begged the darkness every way I know.
And nothing happened.
Or rather, something happened but not what I wanted. Heaven came the way it always comes to me. Quietly and without drama. A little peace steals in and it’s infectious. It spreads. Insight follows. I remember that it’s not my job to fix me or fix you or fix the world. I suck at fixing. My job is to see the problem, keep it in the light, and let the Holy Spirit redress it. Where the problem is, the solution is as well.
Thus, if being the boss – if heeding the twisted distorted lies of the ego – breaks and confounds and misleads me, then healing comes from no longer heeding that voice. And as soon as I am willing to even consider the possibility of not paying attention to the ego then the other voice – the voice of the Holy Spirit – comes in.
But here’s what I’m learning: the ego’s voice shouts and clamors. It’s fundamentally unstable and illogical.
The Holy Spirit’s voice is consistent. And it doesn’t start when the ego’s voice subsides. It’s always there. When we release our stranglehold on the ego, then the calm voice of the spirit appears. It’s like the mirror in which the ego thrashes. Remove the ego and the mirror is still there but now you can see it. Spirit is just present – in everything. There is nothing else.
And yeah . . . I lose it. The faith comes and goes. But Truth doesn’t. We are only ever confronted with one choice – submit to the ego or be unified with spirit. We are always only choosing between God and not God. There is no other problem – and no other solution, either.