I am sustained by the love of God.
This often feels like a watershed lesson. It is hard for me in the same that Lesson 49 is hard – that is, I am unsure of how to approach it, or how to judge its success. It doesn’t help that it jumps to two ten-minute applications (excluding the shorter ones throughout the day) because that strains my concentration. Five minutes I’m okay with – ten pushes it.
Yet I feel strongly that whatever “I” have to say about the lessons is dubious in the first place. As Jesus points out in chapter 18, which we are explicitly not in charge of the plan to transition from dreams of fear to happy dreams.
Some of your greatest advances you have judged as failures, and some of your deepest retreats you have evaluated as success (T-18.V.1:5-6).
I can walk around all day kvetching about how Lesson 50 taxes my brain and seems to lead nowhere . . . and in the meantime, who knows what’s really happening? God does. The Holy Spirit does. There is considerable comfort in that, if we can allow it into our experience.
Perhaps that is the big theme of these recent lessons: the letting go that’s involved, the stepping back from the role of judge and jury. It’s counter-intuitive to the egoic model, but if we set our minds on salvation, then we’ve done all there is to do. We want more – we think there should be more, but that’s not always what ACIM calls for. It is an undoing. Even if we’re okay with that conceptually, in application it’s a bit more intense and demanding.
So I do my ten minutes – I peek at the clock and only seven minutes have passed. I turn back, trying to get beyond the self to . . . God. Somebody barges in – and politely regretful backs out – at 9 minutes. I want to stop there – it’s close enough, right? – but I don’t. I close my eyes and try again. Am I faithful or stubborn? Does the difference matter? I repeat the lesson perhaps more than I ought – saying it over and over in my mind – but what else can I do? It keeps the clamor of my worldly thinking at bay. It’s just another idea, perhaps – but it’s a good one. Someday I’m going to know what it means.