I am the light of the world.
Oh how I struggled with this lesson today! I woke up too early – 2:30 a.m. or so – and couldn’t get back to sleep until maybe 4:30. I should have just gotten up maybe. I don’t know. I’m trying to sleep normally, or at least give myself permission to sleep normally, whatever “normally” means. So I woke up at about 8 and the rest of the family was already awake and so there was no quiet time for study and prayer. My daughter needed help with the chickens. The dog needed a walk. The college I work at was closed due to weather but I had a slew of emails from worried students. There was a lot of baking to do – cinnamon raisin bread, chicken, I’ve got a brisket I’m working on . . .
It was just one of those days when a quiet moment is the hardest thing to come by. Even in the woods with the dog I felt tired and harassed and overwhelmed.
And the lesson was a tough one anyway. I am starting to realize that the lessons which are very practical – apply this idea this way – are easier for me than these lessons that are essentially loving declarations of my holiness. Those I resist. Those I think: somebody else maybe. And me someday. But not now.
And then I go out and have a day that kind of proves it. Ah, projection . . .
But this lesson talked to me about resistance. It predicts the hard time I’m going to have.
To the ego, today’s idea is the epitome of self-glorification. The ego does not understand humility, mistaking it for self-debasement. Humility consists of accepting your role in salvation and in taking no other. It is not humility to insist you cannot be the light of the world if that is the function God assigned to you. It is only arrogance that would assert this function cannot be for you, and arrogance is always of the ego (W-pI.61.2:1-5).
Arrogance is always of the ego . . . Important idea for me.
The truth is, the reason I don’t want to accept this idea – this light of the world idea – about myself is that I am deeply confused about who and what I am. My investment in this body and the self-narrative that I’ve attached to it are not the light of the world. The real me – the real you – is the self that knows itself only as mind, only as a thought in the mind of God. That self is the light of the world.
My resistance to this idea is mistaken humility. I like to think I’m sort of like Saint Francis in New England. Walking dogs in the woods, whispering to chickens, cardinals and crows settling on my shoulders. But I’m just another guy in separation mode, trying to get Heaven (before they close the door). That humility is cloaked arrogance. It is the ego’s back door way to keeping me from seeing my true self, or even sensing my true self. Because the ego knows better . . . or at least it knows that if I turn on to my identity as a perfect child of God that its identity is over and gone.
So the day passes. When I remember to I repeated the lines. I tried to find Jesus, tried to remember God. I felt bad because this is a big lesson, a big foundation for things to come, and here I was being A Course in Miracles slouch. But days like this count, too. Every little bit helps.
Earlier, waiting for the bread to finish, I remembered that I don’t know much. And it made me smile. Here I am deciding it’s a bad day – that I’m blowing my salvation – and what do I know? Nothing. I’m in better hands than the hands that are doing this typing. When I remembered that, the evening smoothed out a little. I played some games with the kids. I came here to write. I made a plan for the brisket.
And thought: It’s okay to stumble some times. Okay to fall.